Hear the rain

A world of truth

2009-09-16T14:30:00.003-04:00

She's waiting there

2009-08-16T20:30:00.001-04:00

We've moved

2008-11-22T09:12:00.012-05:00

My stalker found this blog, and he's following it. I have asked him not to. It has not helped. He's threatened legal action, and a process server has been chasing me. It's negative energy, not in our daughter's best interests, and I'm not into sharing it.

I am making a conscious choice not to journal any more private thoughts here. I very much enjoy having an outlet and the freedom to be me. These things matter dearly to me.

It goes completely against my personal philosophy to lock it down completely, and even the moderated comment thing is not sitting well with me. If you contact me privately, I will send you the coordinates for the new blog.

Karma has a funny way of balancing itself.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-11-19T19:17:00.003-05:00

Something to do

2008-11-17T07:32:00.002-05:00

I picked up Ayaan Hirsi Ali's Infidel from the public library on the weekend. I'm two chapters into it. It looks promising.

What have you been reading lately?

Green soup with tarragon

2008-11-16T16:17:00.003-05:00

Melt 2 tbsp butter in large soup pan.

Add:
2 cups chopped kale
2 cups chopped bok choy
1 small chopped red onion

Cook until soft and add:
about 1 tsp freshly ground black pepper
about 1 tbsp dried tarragon

Add:
8 cups chicken stock

Simmer about 30 minutes.
Put 90% of it through the blender. (It's nice with some leaves and red onion still floating in it.)

Monday, Monday

2008-11-10T07:25:00.008-05:00

I am not sure what is up with this cloud cover, but I am routing around the house for a pair of mitts, determined to claim today as a bike day. In recent weeks, I have twice seen a young deer in the forest on my way to a nearby client site. It's bliss.

I made borscht, Platypus style, last night. I must admit, I bought the tomatoes and had every intention of putting them in, but at the end of it all, I substituted BEETS. It looks and smells fantastic. I'll try and get my dad's potato pancake recipe up this week.

There is a fresh red rose on my bookcase. I invited a male friend over for dinner on Saturday night. There is something particularly lovely about sharing red wine in front of the gas fireplace in good company. I'll see him again on Tuesday night. I do not have a long term plan in mind, and he does not require one. It is not complicated. He is aware of my adoption plan.

I've posted another profile up at the dating site. It has been my experience that men I have met through the online dating service will say pretty much whatever it takes to get a date. It's more fantasy than reality. I enjoy hearing what they have to say.

Where babies come from

2008-11-06T07:12:00.004-05:00

"Of course my sisters are coming from AFRICA, Mommy. If they came from your tummy, you'd be in the Guinness Book for oldest!"
--Wild Thing

Truth and beauty

2008-11-04T22:12:00.002-05:00

To have a positive or healthy self-concept you must:

Know yourself
Love yourself
Be True to yourself

Source:
http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/

My charmed life

2008-11-01T11:48:00.068-04:00

I found inner peace on the flight home from Paris. It came from within. It's mine to keep. I was in good company. No doubt that James Blunt (streaming through a single earbud from a borrowed MP3 player) helped.

What has happened since then has surprised no-one more than myself. A few days after our return from Paris, my travel companion suggested we start seeing other people. I felt a range of emotions, most notably surprise. I like to think I've acquired some maturity and wisdom with age. I find it best to keep an open mind; perhaps the time really had come to simmer down.

I told him that I was accepting of his decision, and I took his advice. (I also ran a 10 km race, and took a silver medal in my category.) I went back to online dating with a new profile, redefining myself as athletic, joyful, and energetic. There is harmony and balance in my life. I felt both were lacking the last time I went through the exercise of trying to find a suitable male companion. I am getting better at just being myself, and I like me.

I set up four dates in relatively short order. They all concurred enthusiastically with my self-definition. I had a drink with a painting contractor. I had a nice healing walk with a shaman through my old neighbourhood. It was significant to me: a gentle and not so subtle reminder of how much has changed in my life since I moved away. I even had lunch with a French fireman.

It was the fourth guy who stopped me in my tracks though. We chatted online and by phone for about two weeks before our schedules lined up well enough for us to meet in person. It was near perfect as far as first dates go. He brought me a red rose. We had too much to drink and first date manners prevailed. He was respectful and kind, and said some wonderful things to me that I really enjoyed hearing. We discussed a second date.

He had expressed some concerns about our social class differences over the phone, and I agreed that they would have been tough but not impossible to navigate. He is blue collar. I am not. He observed that I am living a charmed life. I am. When all was said and done, I did something that I am not proud of... I broke the Golden Rule, betraying both him and myself.

I sent him an email, telling him that I still had fairly strong feelings for someone else, and I would not be able to see him again. While true, it was cowardly and lacked respect to not deliver this message live, in person, eye-to-eye. I suspect that these notes are better kept in a private diary than a blog. I have since apologized by phone, and he accepted my apology. The damage was done. I booked myself a counselling appointment.

In the background, I continue to see the man I went to Paris with. Things are different than they were for us in Paris. I treasure our evolving/emerging friendship. He is my trusted advisor in the sense that he gives me thoughtful advice. I truly value it, and I follow it. Our friendship is open and honest. We communicate well and directly; he is kind to my daughter; he is playful and fun.

In counselling, I was reminded that I could be a little more patient with him and relationships in general. My self-esteem is healthy. It can take up to two years to really get to know a person. It can easily take 6 months for any person to make peace with their past. It is expected and inevitable to compare current relationships with ones we have known before now.

I think about risk thresholds in the context of my business and my clients all of the time. They change, constantly. As the reality of the Ethiopian adoption draws nearer, I am gently reminded that I am settled, my life is stable, and that stable and settled both serve to reduce the risk associated with a big life change such as an adoption. I've since removed my profile from the dating site.

I have all the patience in the world with my adoption plans, and I have established peace with my past by forgiving Wild Thing's father for approximately two decades of history I care not to repeat. I left the counselling appointment with the notion that now is not the time to start getting to know a completely new companion. It's risky business. Men are complicated.

My priority is a maintaining a stable home for Wild Thing, and the children I am expecting from Ethiopia. A tall and trusted male companion friend in the background? He is already part of my life story; our friendship might prove to be the icing on the cake.

Squash soup

2008-10-18T19:51:00.003-04:00

Cut one acorn squash in half and bake it for about an hour (on tin foil covered baking sheet) at 350 deg F. Melt 2 tbsp butter in a soup pot, add one chopped medium onion, and four large cloves chopped garlic.

Once the onion and garlic have lightly browned, add 1 heaping tsp (or more) of Ethiopian berbere blend, 2 tsp maple syrup, and 6 cups of chicken stock. Scoop the baked squash into the soup pot, and simmer for another 30 mins or so. Puree it in a blender.

Carrot orange soup

2008-10-18T18:33:00.002-04:00

Carrots - 3 cups chopped, skins on
Onion - 1 medium, chopped
Celery - 2 stalks chopped
Fresh ginger - 1 tbsp, finely chopped
Chicken stock - 8 cups
2 tbsp olive oil or butter
Small can drained mandarin orange segments

Heat oil/butter in soup pot. Add chopped onion, chopped celery, and chopped carrots. Lightly brown, stirring frequently. Add mandarin orange segments and chicken stock. Simmer 40 minutes. Puree in blender before serving. Freezes well.

Tip: Serve freshly cut Asian pear on the side with this soup.

For the record

2008-10-16T19:46:00.006-04:00

I am interested in who visits this site. I monitor visitor activity, and maintain logs.

It appears that Wild Thing's father has recently discovered our hang-out here and has been monitoring this site, with frequent visits from his place of employment and his parents' home.

Blissed out

2008-10-03T19:18:00.006-04:00

"There has to be a balance -- I am always for balance. So I will not say that your life should be an open book, no. A few chapters open, okay. And a few chapters completely closed, a complete mystery... If your whole book is open, you will be just the day with no night, just the summer with no winter.

Where will you rest, and where will you center yourself, and where will you take refuge? ... Let half of your book be open -- open to everybody, available to everybody -- and let the other half of your book be so secret that only rare guests are allowed there.... Only rarely, very rarely, do you allow somebody to enter your self. That is what love is."

-- Osho

Adoption file update

2008-09-25T11:51:00.003-04:00

It has arrived in Addis Ababa. Yay.

It's come to this...

2008-09-24T19:49:00.007-04:00

Tonight, I am packing for my Paris trip. I am leaving tomorrow to meet my tall male companion friend (who arrived there today). I am taking a suitcase, a day pack, a guide book, and my ticket. Wild Thing will be spending the week with her father.

Army Run 2008

2008-09-24T19:45:00.002-04:00

I received the dog tag after I crossed the finish line. It was fun. This photo was taken after I changed out of my running clothes and removed my bib number.

She's 8!

2008-09-24T19:44:00.002-04:00

Breaking news

2008-09-18T14:43:00.001-04:00

My adoption dossier has been validated. It's on its way to Addis Ababa in the morning.

In looking up the correct spelling of Addis Ababa just now, I have learned that it means new flower.

Same song, second verse

2008-09-16T18:21:00.012-04:00

Priorities for September/October:

run a 5 km race in September
weight train to improve upper body strength (figure out what to do, find a way to remember it, and how many times a week to do it)
remember that relating is a flow, a movement, a process
replace the carpet on the stairs
swim 3 times a month with Wild Thing
keep Wild Thing off the treadmill
be blissful for no reason at all
savor a few days in Paris
increase billable hours

Out with the bath water

2008-09-16T06:59:00.008-04:00

I fired the parenting coordinator. It was not my intent.

Do not brood over your past mistakes and failures as this will only fill your mind with grief, regret and depression. Do not repeat them in the future.
-- Swami Sivananda

Checks and balances

2008-09-14T13:37:00.017-04:00

Validation of the adoption dossier is in progress. In Friday's outbound mail, I sent a package to the adoption agency containing the next batch of paperwork and a US bank draft towards fees.

My paperwork included an application for Citizenship of two unnamed children, notarized copies of my personal photo identification, a letter from my accountant with a current view of my annual self-employment income, and a new power of attorney for the agency's representative in Ethiopia.

In Friday's inbound mail, I received a second letter from our sponsored child Mimi. She lives in Ethiopia with her parents and her brother. We are not adopting her, but I do hold out some hope that I will be able to meet them when I am in Ethiopia.

Mimi is in grade 4, and aspires to teach. Her printing is very tidy, but I can only make out about half of the hand-written English translation attached to her original note. It is sweet to have this connection to the country, and I value her correspondence.

In other news, I am planning a trip to Paris at the end of September with a pretty decent person. I pinch myself often. Life has been pretty good on that particular front.

I am running my second race this coming weekend. I expect to complete 5 km between 35 and 40 minutes. I have been cross-training for it, which mostly means that I've been alternating between cycling and running. I am going to add weight-training and more swimming soon, probably around the same time that weather changes enough to put the bike into hibernation.

The expected race turnout is approximately 6000 runners. I had a thought this morning that some of them might be Ethiopian. How cool is that? I recently learned that teff is performance enhancing. A better time may require more injera... Blue Nile?

I met up out with former coworkers on Friday night at a fundraising gala. I was out quite late dancing, in a black dress and red shoes. I'll close this post with that happy thought, and with thanks to my mother who took this photo. With a bit of back to the future, it's a fair sign of current times.

Adoption update

2008-09-04T19:30:00.003-04:00

Wednesday was better. Much better. I have approval from the Ministry to proceed with my request to adopt two siblings from Ethiopia. My adoption file is now being validated and notarized.

Dear Diary

2008-09-04T19:09:00.020-04:00

Our dog Petunia spent the month of August at the kennel while we travelled. I found a new home for Petunia this week.

Grade 3

2008-09-02T17:44:00.002-04:00

Visualization

2008-09-02T17:27:00.002-04:00

"... the sprout starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of the light, not knowing where, not knowing why..." -- Osho

Affirmation

2008-09-02T17:14:00.007-04:00

I release and forgive. I hold no unforgiveness back. I am free in all directions of time.

I choose perfect health, or better. My life is sweet, and I create sweetness and joy in my life.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-08-27T12:59:00.007-04:00

Beach day

2008-07-27T14:45:00.001-04:00

Faits accomplis

2008-07-27T14:31:00.006-04:00

Discussing the Ethiopian adoption plan with Wild Thing today was short, sweet, and fun. Using a recent picture from the Ethiopian-Chinese adoptive families picnic as my prop, I started by asking her about where all the children in the picture came from.

She then noticed that our family was the only one in the picture without a visual connection (child or referral photo) to Ethiopia. I told her we are waiting on two sisters. She enthusiastically and quickly pointed out that she would be holding two photos in the next group picture. In my opinion, it went well. Whew.

I notified her father of my Ethiopian adoption plan through our private parenting blog. I tried to keep it very short, and positioned it as an FYI post.

Adoption update

2008-07-25T17:53:00.004-04:00

I spoke with the adoption practitioner today. We've agreed that I will advise my ex-husband and our daughter of my adoption plan this weekend. I'm less than enthusiastic, but "go with the flow" is winning out and threatens to prevail over logic and reason.

I ran 5 km twice this week, and I'll run it again tonight. The dryer is fixed. My tattoo has healed. And I can make a killer lasagna.

Summer reading

2008-07-23T09:45:00.013-04:00

Here's what I've been into lately:

Yin & yang : understanding the Chinese philosophy of opposites and how to apply it to your everyday life
by Palmer, Martin
Man's search for meaning
by Frankl, Viktor Emil
The Official Motorcycle Handbook
Mating in captivity
by Perel, Esther

What I've been listening to (audiobooks):

A thousand names for joy: living in harmony with the way things are
by Katie, Byron
When You Are Engulfed in Flames
by David Sedaris

What I've borrowed on DVD from the public library:

Out of Africa (1985)

Still running up that hill

2008-07-23T07:30:00.008-04:00

The adoption process is well underway, and adoption remains a key theme in this blog.

I have been waiting for approximately 7 weeks to hear from the Ontario government in response to my home study update. This week they have responded. I'm currently working with my adoption practitioner to address their current round of questions.

It's not clear how long this step will take, although it is clear that not much else can happen without Ontario government approval. I'm going through the motions, but don't find myself responding in any sort of emotional way.

How I fixed my dryer

2008-07-20T08:03:00.006-04:00

My dryer failed to start on Friday morning. I hung wet clothes on a rack to dry. With my daughter still away, it was a just a load of my shirts, jeans and towels. I didn't call a repair shop and spend the morning waiting out a repair person, although in a past life, I might have.

The idea of acquiring a new dryer didn't phase me either. I have ample savings to absorb the expense right now without compromising elsewhere. I didn't rush out to look at new dryers when Saturday came (instead choosing to enjoy another glorious bike ride to a book store downtown, an approximately 40 km round trip.) I had replaced the dryer at our old place in 2005. I knew what I'd buy if I needed to, and where I could go to buy it.

Late last night, with the sun safely tucked away along with the temptation to go back outside and play, and the dog asleep, I went to Yahoo Answers and did a quick search on "GE dryer won't start". This dryer is 5 years old. It turns out to be a common problem. I found some links to repair sites and read some online repair guides. I learned my dryer has a door switch, as well as a start switch.

This morning, I went downstairs and had a closer look at the dryer. I did a bit of testing on the door switch. I wiped the lint off of it while I was there. I pulled off the start switch, and blew the dust off of it. Then, I put the start switch back on.

It started.

Ground Zero

2008-07-17T09:26:00.023-04:00

This is my journal. My diary. An outlet for the stray thoughts that gather to clutter my mind. It’s time again to unclutter.

Yesterday morning, I was listening to Three Days Grace on a loaner CD from my current male friend. We have a lot in common, he respects me, and I adore him. I was affected by the music. I felt another wall come tumbling down inside me, and it’s my own doing. In connecting with the music, I found that the ice remaining in my veins is gone; it has finally melted.

I was at my desk at a client site while I was listening and I silently cried a few tears. It feels significant to me, and so I journal it. I am feeling very vulnerable at the moment, and it’s appropriate to the situation. Back at home in the evening, I was finally able to archive all the divorce-related material from my laptop. It was overdue.

A few hours after first posting this entry, I decide to play the CD again, and its scent reminds me of this friend. I am smitten.

My daughter is away this week. She’s on vacation with her father. This is something new for us. I am feeling anxious about being separated from her. I am managing it as best I can by keeping active and busy.

Her father has been agitating for schedule changes. His way is not my way. It lacks balance and focus. He agitates for the sake of being agitating, by threat and intimidation, and not with the intent to improve the situation for our child. We use a blog for matters of scheduling. He writes outrageous assertions and accusations on the blog. He drags our daughter into his campaigns, and with her there for the week, I am in no position to shield her.

We have a parenting coordinator to help with these challenges. Yesterday was not good. She gave me a number of options. I don’t like any of them. I thought about harmony and balance a lot. Fewer transitions mean fewer stupid comments made on my doorstep in front of our child. Stupid comments do real damage. They are hurtful and harmful.

Reducing transitions means she’ll likely lose Chinese school in the fall. We negotiated our divorce agreement in such a way that it is my responsibility to get her to Chinese school every Saturday during the school year. We take turns picking her up.

Under the current arrangement, he returns her to my home on Saturday mornings so that I can take her over to the school. He has explained to the parenting coordinator that his preference is to take her directly to the school on his weekends. The driving time is the same.

The problem I have with this change is that he’s been quite firm in his stance with me for the four years that she’s been attending Chinese school that he does support her attending Chinese school at all, and he has explained to her on several occasions that Mommy is making her go. The classes are well organized through the school board, they serve well to foster her cultural identity, and they are free.

She speaks Mandarin. She is Chinese. She was born in China. This is not my invention. These are facts of her life. Reducing her attendance to every second weekend does not set her up to succeed, and it threatens to upset a well-established balance. I find myself grieving her loss before it has been taken away.

According to our scheduling blog, he is willing to concede if and only if I agree to keep all of our evenings appointment free to accommodate random ice times that he is planning to reveal on the day of the skate. He is threatening to go back to court and reassessment over it. That would upset the balance for both her and me, and increase (double) the number of transitions. It's just plain silly. I gave the parenting coordinator a firm no on this particular request. She is supportive.

Today, the parenting coordinator is proposing that we switch to a textbook "every second weekend and Wednesday evening" schedule. There would be far fewer transitions; it is what I had originally proposed and envisioned when I put my request to separate into writing nearly 28 months ago. I am supportive.

She called me back. So is he.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-07-16T06:51:00.002-04:00

Life, the universe, and everything

2008-07-04T07:12:00.023-04:00

Priorities for July/August:

run a 5 km race in August
improve my backstroke for a clean 300 m (getting there)
stay the course, trust that the recurring dream of a tall male companion/friend is passing into reality, and observe that where he lives is not a deal breaker for me
get a class M1 license (read the handbook, write the test)
update my financial statement (and tidy up six months worth of business bookkeeping)
keep my hands off the Ethiopian adoption file; let it advance on auto-pilot, notice that wait times for sibling groups appear to be increasing, keep smiling as life remains beautiful, and the universe is likely unfolding as it should
make some decisions: the size of that tattoo, when to try a triathlon, whether or not to acquire a scooter

Harmony and balance

2008-07-03T22:24:00.008-04:00

Tonight was our craft night. We went to the bead store and made necklaces. One of the sales clerks assisted my daughter at the back of the store, while I did my own thing (in peace and harmony) at the front. We met with our beads at the table. Wild Thing made this one, with the surfboard charm as its central pendant.

Pacing myself

2008-07-02T20:58:00.018-04:00

I watched Kung Fu Panda with Wild Thing yesterday and connected, but I'll minimize the inner peace, self-discovery, and reflection in this post. We saw WALL-E a few days ago. (Loved it!)

I am past the half-way point of my running class. Tonight I ran five repetitions of five and one intervals, without disrupting them, which makes up a 3.6 km run. I asked the instructor for some advice on improving my pacing, and then I listened to him.

He suggested I hold back on the start and run towards the back of the group for the first three repetitions, and then pick up my pace towards the end. (Start slow, then finish faster.)

It worked. I finished closer to the front of the pack than I expected. I also listened for the instructor's whistles and didn't track the intervals on my watch.

Nirvana

2008-06-30T16:19:00.003-04:00

One thing you may not know about me is that I meditate a lot. It quiets the mind, and I think I might currently be experiencing inner peace. Last night, I found myself in some surrealistic lucid happy state and decided to try my hand at fixing something.

My home is low maintenance, but the kitchen tap has been dripping for nearly a year now. My quick fix last summer (and it worked) was a strategically placed mayonnaise jar which I religiously empty every night. I moved the jar and found the root cause of the problem. I fixed it. It remains dry.

Interdependence

2008-06-29T10:44:00.012-04:00

Interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency. Man is a social being. Without interrelation with society he cannot realize his oneness with the universe or suppress his egotism. His social interdependence enables him to test his faith and to prove himself on the touchstone of reality.
-- Mahatma Gandhi

Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.
-- Anais Nin

Dreams are the touchstone of our character.
-- Henry David Thoreau

Trust is the highest form of human motivation.
-- Stephen Covey

Dragon Red is best

2008-06-29T07:57:00.032-04:00

With the carpet changed over to laminate floors, I am finding myself on top of regular house chores like laundry and dishes. I've been cleaning out closets and reorganizing storage areas like the utility room in the basement. I've given up steamcleaning.

After loading up the car with recyclables yesterday, Wild Thing and I drove over to the Thrift Shop. It's next door to the motorcycle shop. On a whim, we went in. Our faces collectively lit up like a pair of Cheshire cats. In a word, we were spellbound. The Vespa scooters appeal to my inner minimalist.

Wild Thing's first question was how much do they cost. I checked the tag. As it turns out, they cost much less that I thought, they are cheaper than the floors were, and we can afford one. They fit our lifestyle too, and they don't use much gas. We could ride it together, and I could ride it alone.

If this line of reasoning sounds familiar, that's because it is quite similar to the business case I made to get us out of the minivan and into the (red) Kia in March 2007. Some exceptions: we'd need to invest in some riding gear, and we'd keep the Kia.

I ride my bicycle to work in the mornings. I come home at lunch and make the switchover to the car on days that I pickup Wild Thing from school. I can enjoy time alone on the bicycle and still be a mother. I don't expect that adding Ethiopian children to this family will change that. I'll ride the bike into September.

Being self-employed with a home office and having clients close to home is what makes it work. It was an arduous and humbling decision to shut down my out-of-home office, put my writing desk back into the house, change Wild Thing's school, and move closer to my clients in December 2006. It's paying dividends now.

Most of our car trips together are less than 5 km, and we don't usually cart around a lot of stuff. The scooter riding season lasts 8 months a year. I asked about maintenance, insurance, and operating costs. The answers surprised me, in a positive way.

What I don't have is a Class M driving license. That's an investment of time. I do have that. There's a written test through MTO, and a weekend safety workshop (which I could attend on a weekend when Wild Thing is vacationing with her father). When we left the motorcycle shop, we went over to Canadian Tire and picked up a copy of the Official MTO Motorcyle Handbook.

I'm listening

2008-06-27T18:40:00.007-04:00

This week, the Wednesday night running class had a guest lecturer. I probably could have paid closer attention than I did, but his key point was "warm up." He says that every time he pops into the store, he tucks a slip of paper with "hot tub" written on it into the store's suggestion box.

When I woke up Thursday morning, I was mostly just thinking about the hot tub part. I dropped Wild Thing off (by car) at her tennis camp, and then drove myself over to the pool. I worked on my back crawl (and my freckles) in the outdoor pool, and finished it up with some time in the tub. I did not walk/run, or cycle on Thursday (aside from my routine walks with the dog).

Wild Thing's father was a No Show tonight. It doesn't happen often. I had been planning to run with my class, but it just doesn't work with a seven-year old helper. Instead, I ran in the park on the ring trail while she played on the play structure. (It's like living in the Garden of Eden, but that's a subject for another day.)

The run itself was glorious: five very even repetitions of a four-minute run followed by a one-minute walk, measured by the Timex while I focused on the distance and my breathing.

I put Wild Thing in charge of our stretching after the run. She counted in four different languages while we held each of the stretches. She made sure we didn't skip any of the stretches on the hand-out either. She also corrected my biomechanics with the precision of a trained and experienced professional, based solely on the handout I had received in last week's class. Hmmm.

I can see my reflection

2008-06-25T20:12:00.008-04:00

It's from a song called Landslide. Stevie Nicks wrote it, and the Dixie Chicks covered it. It was playing when I picked up my insulin on the way home tonight from my running class.

I was dressed in my running attire including the sports watch, all sweaty and flush from the run. I also noticed that I was wearing my running shoes, and that I wear them every day, between my cycling and running. Same goes for the sport bra, except for laundry days because it takes two days to air dry. I'm athletic.

I looked in the mirror and there saw myself. I took a mental inventory of recent changes. I am not afraid of changes, or at least not as much as I used to be. I was in the tattoo parlour this afternoon, describing the image that I have in mind. She'll have a sketch for me in a few weeks. Change can be a very positive thing.

For the first time since I started running with the class, I was not happy with my run tonight. That still means that I finished within the group (just not at the front of the pack this time.) I let my mind wander from the distance to the speed, and I am just going to shake it off quietly without analyzing it further. I don't have to step back a great distance to realize how far that I have come.

My step back

2008-06-24T21:02:00.008-04:00

And now for something completely different, I'm listening to an audiobook. It's Nixon and Mao: The Week That Changed the World by Canadian historian, Margaret MacMillan. In 1972, Nixon and Mao met for one hour in Beijing, "laying the groundwork for today's complex relationship between the two countries."

I'm just getting into it, and I find it captivating. For example, there's a fun little description of Haile Selassie's visit to China in 1971 on disk 2 of 13. He got a better reception than Nixon did.

A state of mind

2008-06-22T15:37:00.007-04:00

I've finally switched the time zone on my blog settings from Pacific to Eastern. My sleeping patterns are not as erratic as they might first have appeared. The time of post has auto-corrected on all of my entries to date. Neat.

Learning to exhale

2008-06-22T15:19:00.003-04:00

My learn to run class is structured around the run/walk pattern. For example, this week I'm onto the repeating pattern of 3 minutes running followed by 1 minute of walking. I bought a Timex yesterday to automate the tracking of the pattern when I run alone. This week's distance is 3.2 km. It came easy to me.

I ran with the group today (still at the front), followed the intructor's whistles, and focused my attention on the distance rather than my speed. I stopped counting paces, and tuned them into the rhythm of my breathing instead.

Resistance is futile

2008-06-21T16:38:00.000-04:00

The logistics of running with a purse, cell phone, and water bottle are just plain silly. I caved in and bought a starter set of running accessories today. The sales clerks were friendly and chatty. One is my neighbour. From him, I learned that my bike ride on Thursday is more accurately measured as a 50 km round trip.

Ask a writer

2008-06-20T07:18:00.000-04:00

How not to get a date online:

Subject line: Hello
Message body: How are you today

How to get a date online:

Subject line: you sound fun
Message body: What's your fantasy?

Breathing out

2008-06-20T06:54:00.001-04:00

He called.

Measurable progress

2008-06-19T18:20:00.001-04:00

I woke up expecting just another regular weekday in paradise. My heart sunk when I found a meeting with the parenting coordinator on my agenda for 11 am. I also had forgotten about the volunteer appreciation tea at Wild Thing's school at 2 pm. I looked out the window, I looked at the clock, and I pulled out my trail map.

I threw caution to the wind, grinning like the Cheshire cat at the prospect of being late (or missing) the meeting with the parenting coordinator. I left the house at 9:30 am, rode 20 km by bicycle along the Ottawa River Parkway, and got there on time. I saw geese, bunnies, turtles, and lots of people on their bikes.

We discussed her agenda, which seemed to focus on whether or not she would continue to mediate the conflict for us, and what her role might be moving forward. It has to be a joint parenting decision to continue to retain her. The impact of involving her is quantifiable with positive changes in our daughter's grades, sleep patterns, psychological health, behaviour, and attitude.

When I can't figure out what he is saying and it matters (like scheduling), I can call HER and ask. When it wanders back to peculiar (like I still can't articulate these examples in this forum with a straight face), it now seems to be enough to just tell him that I am going to call her and ask.

Alice laughed, "There's no use trying," she said, "one can't believe impossible things."

I tried this tactic earlier in the week (as he was explaining for the second time in copious detail how our daughter's safety was affected by precisely where I was standing in my kitchen if it was raining at the same time he arrived in my driveway, and only after he had first called ahead to "request a favour" of me to be standing at a precise place in the kitchen while he first explained his concept of safety to me from his cell phone) and it worked. I still sometimes tell him that I am taping him. That never grows old.

"Never mind!" Alice said in a soothing tone, and, stooping down to the daisies, who were just beginning again, she whispered, "If you don't hold your tongues, I'll pick you."

At the end of my appointment, I gave her another $1000 retainer. Then I rode my bike the 20 km home, and attended the volunteer appreciation tea. Worth every dime.

The view from here

2008-06-19T07:40:00.000-04:00

I keep turning up Nietzsche quotes in my search for a change in perspective this morning. It feels like the right time to take a step back from the details, and take in the panaromic view for a change.

I had another first date last night. He's bachelor number 9. It's been a few months since I first joined the online dating site.

There was a number 8, but I didn't blog him right away. I spent less than an hour walking with a creepy IT guy last Sunday. I have mulled it over a few times trying to find the good in it.

I am not just in love with the idea of love, and the role of the creepy IT guy may have simply been to offset last week's drama with the Scorpio. Balance is restored, regardless.

I have read that women make their decision with regards to a dating prospect within the first 30 seconds of a face-to-face meeting. It's consistent with my experience.

Last night, we met downtown at a bar, after my run, and I wore a dress. He brought a flower with him. We talked long enough to find a few things in common. It was pleasant. It wasn't crazy. I had a nice time. He calls or he doesn't. I'm good either way.

Today's Tarot card is the Hanged Man:

"The Hanged Man creates change by acting passively and accepting fate. By surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life. In order to see the bigger picture, you will need to take a step back."

Picnic day

2008-06-15T20:19:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was our second annual picnic day for Ottawa families adopting children from Ethiopia and China. The group is growing.

Our lives are all quite different, but our common interests really put me at ease with this group. We had a good time, and the digital group picture moved me to tears. I am ready to believe that my Ethiopian children will appear in next year's picture. Thank you.

Eyes wide open

2008-06-15T19:47:00.000-04:00

If there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person. If there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house. If there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation. If there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world.
-- Chinese Proverb

Up that hill

2008-06-12T19:22:00.001-04:00

I fixed my own bike when it broke earlier this week. I went to the right store, got the right part, and attached it in the right place without missing a day's ride. It cost approximately $3. I had lost a nut from the quick release bolt which acts as an axle for the front tire. I described it at the bike shop as a Twisty Thing.

I first noticed that the nut had gone missing on Tuesday morning after finally cresting the hill that marks the halfway point on the 5 km ride to my client site. Back on the trail on Wednesday, I stopped one wheel rotation short of the top of the hill. Today, I nailed it in both directions and now I can make the 5 km trip without stopping for water or kleenex half-way. Hear me roar.

I don't know why it matters but it does. I am running three times a week, according to a Learn to Run schedule that I picked up from the Running Room. I don't like sitting on a bench for an hour a week learning about accessories that I might need to buy.

I am okay with acquiring sports accessories as required, but as a novice runner, there is really not too much that I require. I did however replace my shoes when they broke a few weeks back. I concede I need those.

My colleagues say that I am glowing: one went as far to say that I am blossoming like a flower. I am wearing pearls, radiating sunshine, feeling joyful, and marvelling in the beauty and goodness that surrounds me in friends, family, health, wildflowers, deer, and on it goes. Yesterday, it was a field of sunkissed buttercups that I noticed on the way to the office. So very pretty... I am fortunate to have such a good life.

Lately, I've been observing that some men (and I mean more than one) walk into walls after I make eye contact with them. Last night, I stopped to buy a lighter and the male cashier asked politely for my phone number.

It's true that I've seen more good than evil through the online dating site, and that has certainly been good for my ego. I may be just more than a week's worth of smitten with the current man on the line. I've not taken leave of my senses, but it's tempting to imagine his workbench in my garage. Life is beautiful. These changes are coming from within, and they are mine to keep.

I blog, therefore, I am.

About that weekend

2008-06-10T07:36:00.000-04:00

My daughter spent most of last weekend with her father, except for a little break on Saturday morning for her Chinese recital.

She recited some sort of Olympic chant with her language class, and followed it with a Chinese folk dance performance with her interest class. I did not film it, but a friend of mine did, and I'll post it when I have it. She was awesome.

I had a few dates lined up for the weekend. I have noticed a bit of a feeding frenzy at the online dating site I use. It starts on Wednesday afternoon and runs until about 5 pm on Friday as people line up specific plans for the coming weekend.

Last Friday at 5 pm, it looked like I was going to meet an engineer for a drink at 6:30 pm and a finance guy (guitar player) for a coffee at 9:30 pm. I also had another motorcycle ride (different biker) lined up for Saturday afternoon.

What really happened was a little different. The finance guy had trouble waiting until 9:30 pm and talked me into a virtual meet-up on the web cam at 5:30 pm.

Since you're reading this blog, you probably know me well enough to wonder about the web cam. It's real, and it's cheaper than a divorce would be. I rely on it as a screening tool, and I screened him out by 6:00 pm.

The 6:30 date with the engineer went very well, and I did not get home until close to 11:30 pm. For a first meeting, I usually budget an hour. The biker cancelled, freeing up Saturday afternoon for a second date with the engineer. He has a name, but I am not going to post it here. We had a third date on Sunday.

I've met my match in terms of energy, courage, and kindness. I could not say anything to shock him either. He's a Scorpio. He's got his own Cheshire cat grin. The chemistry is palpable.

Time will tell whether it was a weekend of fantasy or reality. I blog it because it was one to remember. I do not want to forget.

Home study submitted!

2008-06-02T19:23:00.001-04:00

I got some good news from my adoption agency today. They have submitted my home study to the Ontario government, and I am now waiting for a letter of approval.

The agency is currently seeing a 6 to 12 week wait for these letters.

In the meantime, I turn my attention back to my home, the new floors, and the thin layer of protective sawdust. I weigh the pros and cons of putting a biweekly housekeeper back on the payroll.

Wth my fear of needles well behind me, it might be high time to get a symbolic Chinese tattoo. I don't, however, think that geographical map coordinates would work for me.

Another one bites the dust

2008-05-30T18:25:00.001-04:00

The software tester didn't work out either. I got mad at him. On the bright side, the new floors are in, and they look pretty good.

A cup or two

2008-05-29T06:12:00.000-04:00

I started my learn to run class last night, and it took everything I had to sit through the lecture for an hour. Before the class, I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up.

As it turned out, I ran at the front of the group with a former coworker, after my swimming drills... on a day where I cycled 5 km (each way) to and from my client site. Hooray for insulin.

The flooring contractor is here this week.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”
-- Mary Anne Radmacher

Sink or swim

2008-05-25T18:53:00.000-04:00

I gave up my pool noodle today. I swam 20 lengths (of 48 ft) on my back without stopping, and I wasn't tired when I decided to stop. That's almost 300 m. I am pleased.

Balancing karma

2008-05-25T08:56:00.001-04:00

I know I'm not the only single mom adopting. The state of being single is still a novel one for me. It's not a place that I expected to be at 40. I am finding that the pros outweigh the cons.

It's my weekend off-duty from parenting my seven-year old. I went for a motorcycle ride with a software tester last night. (It was a Harley.) We stopped along the river at the Rockcliffe lookout to watch the sunset. I wore a helmet, leather gloves, old sneakers, and my new jean jacket. I found his tattoo: it's ying yang.

I think about who reads this blog, and whether or not a few more posts on my adventures in online dating are appropriate to this audience. I am a quick study, I like social networking, and I'll field general questions about my experience.

The key points so far:

use every tool at your disposal to filter before you meet
maintain a list of deal breakers
keep an open mind
entertain fantasy (it's a virtual world, after all)
you give, you get
why not

Still waiting

2008-05-23T17:27:00.001-04:00

The adoption agency received my home study update from the adoption practitioner.

My case worker will review it on Monday.

Die Weisse Massai

2008-05-21T22:54:00.000-04:00

On that theme of Africa, I've finally had my turn with the library's copy of The White Masai [2005], a visually stunning love story based on the autobiography of Corinne Hofmann, set in Kenya.

In case you read the review and you're left wondering if I liked it (or not): I chose to see it as "as the story of a brave, if impetuous, woman who follows her heart." There will, however, be no comment from me on the theme of the paranoid jealous husband.

What do you dream about?

2008-05-20T07:53:00.001-04:00

Tears of joy

2008-05-15T11:25:00.002-04:00

I have that update. I am listening to the Goo Goo Dolls, Greatest Hits, Volume One, The Singles. The song is Name, and the last song to finish was Slide. We have a version of home on a Sesame Street collection with Elmo singing in it.

I've sent my comments back to the adoption practitioner. He'll revise it and send it to the adoption agency tomorrow.

Cong shan ru liu

2008-05-14T22:10:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading a compelling new collection of recently published stories. I got it from the library, after they entertained my recent request to add it to their collection.

Edited by Ann Rauhala, it's called The Lucky Ones: Our Stories of Adopting Children from China. I am listening to Delerium's Karma CD while I read it and euphoria sets in. It is the stuff that dreams are made of.

The featured authors and families include real people from my real life. We've met in wait, at the park, at Chinese school, and we've chatted online.

I feel profundity in the moment as I realize that I am older, I am wiser, I am no shrinking violet, and I know that I can do this again.

Anticipation

2008-05-14T18:38:00.000-04:00

The draft of my home study update will be ready tomorrow.

A breakthrough day

2008-05-08T22:06:00.000-04:00

As planned, I spoke with the adoption practitioner this morning. He's got what he needs, and he expects to have the home study update drafted next week.

He's also come around on my inclination to adopt older children: I will be requesting two children (a sibling pair, biological sisters) from Ethiopia between the ages of 2 to 5 years old.

Could this day get any better?

2008-05-07T19:54:00.000-04:00

I had my routine checkup with the diabetes clinic this afternoon, between walks. The level of lowness in my bad cholesterol left the team there in stunned silence, in the best possible way.

They'd like tighter controls on my sugars, though, and have changed up my insulin line-up to add a fourth daily injection.

Cautious optimism

2008-05-07T13:17:00.001-04:00

The parenting coordinator spoke with the adoption practitioner this morning. I ran for an hour this morning and walked for close to two more hours this afternoon. I have a followup call with the adoption practitioner tomorrow.

Let's all keep our fingers crossed that he's got the third-party opinion that he wanted, and it's adequate to get the file off to the Ministry, posthaste.

Restoring order from chaos

2008-05-06T21:57:00.000-04:00

Priorities for May:

get adoption file on its way to Ethiopia
improve overall fitness level with jogging, cycling, and swimming (more time outside)
increase face-to-face time with Facebook friends and family (less time online & inside)
replace carpet with laminate floors
maintain a wardrobe that fits
(and this includes socks, underwear, and a sports bra)
chase wolves from kitchen
work smarter, not harder
keep an open mind to at least the idea of a tall male companion/friend (for walk & talk),
with his own life and his own house nearby

Taking stock

2008-05-06T05:01:00.000-04:00

Since this is my personal diary, I'm making notes. Yesterday seemed like a milestone day for me here. I started running last week: the kind of running that requires energy, determination, and decent shoes. I crave more.

I've been exploring nature close to home, on foot and by bike. I'm using my membership at the pool. I have healthy corneas, and my diabetes is managed with diet and insulin. I've got concert tickets for Friday night.

I've worked out some of the kinks in my wardrobe too. I'm getting double-takes from colleagues and strangers. I've learned how to flirt selectively; it's delightful and fun. I could still use some work on volume control and my recovery time. I'll get there.

There's green soup in my kitchen, and I glad to be back on the organic vegetable delivery route. And because I'm still me, I confused the beets for turnips yesterday and made the most peculiar crockpot stew.

I am outraged

2008-05-05T21:32:00.001-04:00

My adoption plan (to relocate two Ethiopian orphans to the suburban bliss of my townhome) now appears to by riding upon my ex-husband's consent.

My ex-husband is controlling and has a personality disorder. The marriage ended abruptly in 2006 with my decision to flee domestic violence. I sit in stunned silence. It does not compute.

I learned today that my daughter's psychologist requires my ex-husband's consent before she can speak with my adoption practitioner about our already-adopted 7-year-old child.

It falls to me to ask for it (from a man who hit a dog in front of a then 5-year-old), and I don't think that I can. The psychologist is legally and ethically accountable to a college.

With proper consent, she is prepared to release the information that I need. Without it, her hands are tied.

To recap, my adoption practitioner needs to speak to my daughter's psychologist before he can make a recommendation and my daughter's state is not an issue. While I have proven myself fit to parent at every level, it won't advance the file.

The psychologist does have consent to speak with the parenting coordinator. The parenting coordinator does not require consent to speak with the adoption practitioner. The parenting coordinator has agreed to speak with the adoption practitioner. If it could be reduced to a simple logic problem, the answer would be easier for all to see. Crazy circle game.

That poison arrow

2008-05-05T17:22:00.000-04:00

Well, that was over just about before it started. I suspect the four of cups. I was dumped by email today. A first for me, I guess it goes part and parcel with online dating. It's not you, it's me.

I didn't see it coming either. I'd better pay closer attention. It turns out that I'm not as resilient as I'd have myself believe. I'd best be distracting myself with books about Africa just about now.

Catch me, I'm falling...

2008-05-03T07:14:00.000-04:00

I started this blog one year ago tomorrow. I wondered if I had anything of value left to say. The results have been marvellous and quite unexpected. I've met some lovely people though the blog, close to home and far away.

I've renewed friendships, reconciled past with present, and dreamed a dream or two for the future.

Much to my disappointment, my home study update did not go to the Ministry yet. I'm stuck in a holding pattern with my plans to adopt from Ethiopia, and it's brought me nearly back to the point where I was when I started this blog.

I completed the series of formal interviews with the adoption practitioner. I hold him in the highest professional regard. He's asked for more information, and it's elusive. I am waiting for my daughter's psychologist and our parenting coordinator to log their official perspectives on the overall health of our situation.

The last few weeks have been a frenzy of crossed wires, lost messages, and broken telephone. Advancement of my adoption plan requires blind faith on a level that I have not previously experienced in my life. I must continue to believe that I can fly.

On the unrelated subject of online dating, call me a convert. In recent days, I've been meeting decent (and indecent) men through the internet, and I've awaken cautiously optimistic that I may have finally arrived at the place I was destined to be.

I've been stood up twice, and had four live in-person dates, in the span of however long this blog has been quiet. I've got a clear handle on my boundaries and deal-breakers too. I got some of that through this blog. Thanks for that.

We do the best that we can with the information available to us, at the time that decisions are made. In the past, and probably based on not enough information, I let a long-term relationship with the man who eventually became my ex-husband happen. I lived the wrath of Khan when I finally took the steps required to stop it.

The relationship became a test of endurance in every sense of the word. The narcissist requires excessive admiration, has a sense of entitlement, and is interpersonally exploitative. I won't let the results detour me off of the road less travelled by either, because I can't imagine any place I'd rather be.

Getting back to the future, date number one was looking for a mother for his unborn children. That lasted about 30 minutes. The irony of being chased out of the coffee shop into the street by shrieking children at the next table was not lost on me. They weren't mine; I couldn't hear them. He didn't quite get that.

Date number three was a healer, a shaman, a Zen master of sorts, an artist, a labourer, and a tradesman. The polar opposite of my ex-husband, he was all give and no take, and he helped me reach the conclusion that that's not the healthiest approach to a balanced life either. His motto: you give, you get.

This blog becomes my personal yearbook: a diary, a journal of sorts. My friend the witch doctor taught me to keep an open mind (no, I did not sleep with him!) and reminded me that learning to love yourself is truly the greatest love of all.

I'm quietly working him out of my system with a poem that I'm calling exposure:

giving freely, you receive
a work of art yourself
and with precision of an artist
you place a final stroke upon the canvas
and fade away

Date number two (with the software designer, go figure) led to date number four (with the same software designer). I've just reset the counter, to filter out the other candidates. We're on for date number three next week.

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game
-- Joni Mitchell

Whee!

2008-04-21T17:11:00.001-04:00

In the eye of the beholder

2008-04-18T09:03:00.000-04:00

I like to explore symbolism. I've got a few Tarot decks in our home. My daughter picked out the Ten of Coins last night.

I asked her what she saw on the card, and her answer took me by surprise.

The child and her mother are looking for a safe place, and the man is going to help them find one.

Globe and Mail article - April 15

2008-04-16T07:51:00.000-04:00

The Next China? by Hayley Mick

"Others, like Ms. Carter-Shotts, point out with frustration that while it's true there are millions of African children in need of loving families, most are not the coveted baby or toddler. They are older, not in perfect health, or attached to siblings."

She neglects to point out that in many cases, it is the Ontario goverment who is coveting the baby or toddler, and that the families who request older children are usually redirected to rethink their request. A little education would go a long way.

About the author

2008-04-11T08:41:00.001-04:00

My daughter is working on a write-your-own-book project in grade 2 at school.

She's listed her hobbies on her bio page as follows:
"I like to skip, run, and trick boys."

The title?
Superman.

Hmmmm.

Gatatooma

2008-04-09T07:19:00.000-04:00

I received a first letter from our sponsored Ethiopian child yesterday. She is in grade 3 and wants to be a teacher. She likes science but has trouble with math.

Just another day in the global village

2008-04-06T08:28:00.001-04:00

I met this person (not the accountant - he stood me up) in my spare time, last week. I am humbled.

"My past life time history is long one and I left my homeland on the Leap your of the Lead day February 29,1980 and never returned home. I left the country with caravan who smuggle coffee from Ethiopia to Djibouti. The caravan didn't speak my language and neither did I theirs and journey to Djibouti through desert took us for 15 days. We didn't have enough supply on our way that we suffered lack of water and food while walking through treeless desert and 50 plus degree.

I lived in Djibouti for some years and thereafter flew to Saudi Arabia where I lived for a while and from there, I was arrested by the Saudi police officer and deported me back to Djibouti because I didn't have permit to stay there.

After I stayed in Djibouti for three month, I bought a flight ticket to Caro, Egypt. I lived in Caro suffering of not having job or accommodation for couple of years and thereafter, flew to East German. From East Germany, I managed to get to West Berlin. There, I was accepted as refugee and then became travel document. After I lived there for 8 years, I left Munich, Germany for Rome, Italy. There I appealed to settlement to Canadian embassy in Rome. Two years later, I left Rome for Canada and arrived in Ottawa the end of 1992 and since I have been living in Ottawa."

Qing Ming Jie

2008-04-04T08:52:00.001-04:00

Boil some eggs, plant a tree, pull some weeds, and fly your kite! Today marks Tomb Sweeping Day in China.

Ten years ago, I held my second-born child for the last time, after granting my consent to have her breathing tube removed. Her kidneys failed her. She is buried with her older sister in a family plot nearby. I am reminded how precious life is.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Chain reaction

2008-04-04T08:45:00.000-04:00

With the final home-study update visit behind me, I mailed a Big Bundle of Documents to the adoption agency. I sent it by courier with a tracking number so that I could follow its progress online. It has arrived.

Dream your dreams

2008-04-02T09:15:00.000-04:00

I was sitting at the dining room table yesterday afternoon, with the adoption practitioner and my daughter. He helped with the paperwork to bring her home from China.

He is currently updating the home study (a critical document) as part of my application to adopt my next two children from Ethiopia. Without it, my file cannot travel overseas.

We extracted some Chinese homework and a recent report card from the unfiled collection of dining room clutter. I watched in awe as my daughter read to him in Chinese, and as he read highlights from her grade school report card right back to her.

He asked her to describe me, and for a fleeting moment I saw myself through her eyes. Among other things, I learned that I have emerald eyes; I am also funny and covered with spots.

I flashed back quietly to my very first meeting with him (nearly ten years ago before she even existed and well before it was written that I was to be her mother), and then off to my hopes, aspirations, dreams, and ideas of what the future might look like.

I am gently reminded that the future arrives.

The reality of the day and the profundity of moment hit me quite hard: I know she is a great kid, and it is in this moment that I realize that I have made a significant difference in her life. I am a good mother.

Yesterday was a big day for me, in every way that matters.

À propos

2008-04-01T12:25:00.000-04:00

The April rain, the April rain,

comes slanting down

in fitful showers,

Then from the furrow

shoots the grain,

and banks are fledged

with nestling flowers.

--Mathilde Blind

Pass it on

2008-03-30T07:35:00.000-04:00

Quote of the week (heard twice):
"That's not music, Mommy, that's SCREAMING."
Yes, we can turn off the radio.

Make affluence history!

2008-03-29T18:47:00.000-04:00

Child sponsorship program (tongue-in-cheek):
http://www.geezmagazine.org/childsponsor

Up to something

2008-03-28T07:52:00.000-04:00

I've got a date on Sunday afternoon. It's my first "first date" since the 1980s... with an accountant. He's Ethiopian.

Siblings without rivalry?

2008-03-16T09:45:00.000-04:00

It's been quiet here the past few days. My daughter's gone off with her dad to visit her extended family on his side. I am preparing for the adoption practitioner's third visit next week. This will be his final visit to complete the update to the home study.

After his visit, I expect to send my stack of paperwork off to the adoption agency. There are a few steps in between before it actually gets to Ethiopia for consideration, but this is a huge milestone in the adoption process.

I'm using the quiet time to complete my homework assignment from his last visit. I had three unread books (of my choosing) left on my shelf on the subject of sibling rivalry.

Pragmatic to a fault, I decided that I am okay with just reading one more of them. I returned the other two to the library, figuring that I can always go back for them later.

The one I chose to read is called Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. When I selected it from the online card catalog, I did not notice that they were also the authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It's also noted on the cover, but I hadn't looked closely enough to see.

I credit these ladies with the introduction of flying ponies to my household. I read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk on the suggestion of my daughter's psychologist, when we were tackling some tough issues related to the divorce.

While they don't mention the ponies specifically in their suggestions, they do say that it's okay to "give children in fantasy what they don't have in reality."

The ponies broke the tension in this household, right after our move from the "matrimonial" home to our suburban townhouse. We call up the ponies when there are chores to be done that no-one wants to do. We built imaginary bunk beds for them. We tuck them in first at bedtime. I cannot imagine a time when we lived without them.

What struck me the most about Siblings Without Rivalry was the emphasis on showing children how they're loved uniquely, rather than worrying about giving equally. Equal can feel like less.

"Each of you is so special to me, because each of you is so different. What would I do if anything ever happened to my Amy? How could I bear the thought of losing someone who is such a pleasure to be with and talk to? I'd never find another one like her anywhere. She's a complete original. It's torture to even think about it."

That did it. She seemed completely satisfied. She never even asked me how I felt about her sisters. She just wanted to know how much I valued her.

A land of home-made names

2008-03-16T09:28:00.000-04:00

I loved this article on current trends in southern African names from the New York Times.

"English names arrived with colonial rule, were further imposed by missionaries and, for some, became fashionable with the spread of Western culture."

Ten more years

2008-03-16T09:18:00.000-04:00

There is no doubt in my mind that the one-child policy split my daughter from her Chinese birth family in the year 2000. Ever since China won its bid for the 2008 Olympics, I have been expecting 2008 to be a year of big change in China.

An article in the Globe and Mail caught my attention this week:

"Mr. Zhang argued that the policy is not as bad as some people believe, since the strict one-child limit is imposed on only 35.9 per cent of the population - those living in bigger cities. A further 52.9 per cent of the population, mostly those living in rural areas, are allowed to have a second child if their first is a girl, and another 11 per cent (mostly ethnic minorities) can have two or more children."

Spring Break 2008

2008-03-13T08:46:00.000-04:00

Adoption-related chased-paper update

2008-03-12T20:40:00.000-04:00

New this week:

RCMP check - received by mail
Police Records Check with list of occurences -
received by mail
My medical form - picked up today - it's done!!!

Great Changes in China

2008-03-08T19:19:00.001-05:00

I went looking to see what China and Ethiopia have in common lately and stumbled across a photo slideshow at China Daily.

Analysis paralysis

2008-03-08T16:59:00.001-05:00

The adoption practitioner asked me to think about what things like shuttling might look like as this family grows and blends. It set me off to thinking about boundaries, parity, and how justice is perceived through the eyes of a child.

I came up with this starter set of topics:

Birth family
Will they be known to one or more of my children and unknown to the other?
Will ongoing contact be or become possible?
Travel group
We remain close with the ten other families that travelled with our family to China.
Caregivers in homeland
We have a lovely poem from my daughter's nanny in China.
We have email contact with her orphanage director too.
Homeland visit in future
It seems less likely for a family of four than a family of two.
Preschool caregiver in Canada
Now retired, she is still an important part of my daughter's life and her story.
Keeping contact with other children who were known to my children from their early years in their homeland
Forever family
My eldest has a "forever father" and keeps the in-laws I lost in the divorce.
My youngest will have neither and won't cross her sister's boundary on this front.
Friends with families “like ours”
Religion and school
Last name
Middle name
Name to be called by Canadians
Chinese name and Ethiopian name
Organized activities - weekday
The youngest will miss the experiences of the Hurried Child, and life won't be fair as the oldest continues to enjoy her status as Only Child at her dad's house. I foresee huge chaos and collisions here if I don't set some limits early on regarding how many activities each.
Language school - Saturday
Recitals
Respect for birth heritage
Our special family time on Sundays when we go out for pizza and a swim
Craft night
Holidays and school breaks
Medical
Will my children share a doctor? A dentist?
My recharging time
Personal space and boundaries in our home
Celebrating culture through food; music (contemporary and traditional); traditional arts, crafts, and pastimes; clothing (traditional costumes including family kilts to recognize our Scottish heritage!)

All adoption experiences are not created equal. Every family is different. I notice that I will not be offering parity to my children on many fronts. We live in interesting times.

Vive le difference.

A treat for the eyes

2008-03-08T16:56:00.000-05:00

My mom might have a lock on the Name Game with her write-in suggestion of (African) Violet. Time will tell.

A new covenant

2008-03-02T08:42:00.000-05:00

I've got a world radio. About a year ago, it was all the rage with the adoptive moms at Chinese school. They were collectively using it to tune into BBC4 programming to liven up laundry folding, receipt sorting, etc. I broke my budget to acquire it.

We don't use it often, but it does offer a pleasant diversion from our daily routine. We've tuned into traditional Chinese music to liven up bath time, and to Itsy Bitsy FM, a children's channel broadcasting contemporary children's music out of Bucharest.

I turned it on this morning in search of more African music. I tuned into Kenya's Hope FM. I arrived at the beginning of Women By Design, and I blog this because I was listening to Ada preach on the subject of a new covenant.

There have been a lot of changes in Kenya lately, and last week marked some significant ones.

It was a religious program, and I think the key point of Ada's sermon today was to look at the political changes as a chance for a fresh start, offering a new beginning and opportunity to make conscious choices moving forward. It was inspiring.

Words from the wiser

2008-03-01T08:15:00.000-05:00

with profuse thanks to M for these words,
and her personal role in making this family happen:

"Spend as much time as you can with your children.
Give them a moral compass.
Be the parent.
Keep your sense of humour.
Respect your child's birth family and birth heritage.
Stay connected to other adoptive families."

Thus Spoke Zarathustra

2008-03-01T07:06:00.000-05:00

My experience with our cultural mosaic is like

looking up to the night sky and seeing that first star, and then taking a second look around at the sky in its entirety to notice that it's completely filled with stars.
playing a game of finding the dots and connecting them.
staring at an optical illusion for days, months, weeks or hours only to notice the other thing that was always there.

Inspired by our recent trip to the Rhythm Cafe, I've signed up for an African drum and dance workshop this afternoon. I played the kettle drums for a year in my high school band.

Some day soon

2008-02-29T12:52:00.000-05:00

The parenting co-ordinator advises that I discuss the Ethiopian adoption with my daughter only as something I would like to do some day. I am not entirely comfortable with this approach although I really don't know precisely which day it will be.